by Brandy D. Anderson
So you’ve probably already checked out all of the Twitter accounts of your favourite actors, musicians, writers, tv shows, and other celebrities, right? You know where to find news, deals, and retweeters galore. Even if you’re rather prolific on the blue bird, you probably haven’t seen the following four Tweeters yet, and you really should. They’re funny, unique, and offer some of the breeziest content online.
This account is full of snarky, odd, off-the-wall humour. If you click on their website link you’re taken to a page full of “fine print” which serves as a basic outline for what to expect at Pour Me Coffee. Some of the highlights include being reminded that “It is solely your responsibility to find the hilarity. No humor explanations”, you’re goaded to “Please tell me more about how I might use my time and talent to perfectly match your unique sensibilities!”, and the admin lets you know that “I note your assertion of my (moral) (intellectual) (physical) inferiority”.
If that list doesn’t give you a sense of what you’ll find on this account (there are 26 points), I’ll give you a few samples of the types of Tweets you’ll encounter here. There are lots of political jokes; one tweet announces “I would like to see one GOP debate where the candidates are all on Segways and free to move about the stage and possibly battle each other”, while another one suggests “New GOP Debate Format: – Opening Statements – Coloring Reagan Outlines – Abolish/Repeal Lists – Gun-cleaning – Advice To The Poors – Closing”. Sci-fi geeks will love this recent quip: “New Star Wars. New Star Trek. I cannot push up my glasses frames and snort any harder”. Miscellaneous jokes are also good: “If you are correcting people that it’s Daylight *Saving* not “Savings” time I wish I had an extra hour every day to punch you in your face”.
About: “Jeopardy! fixture of yesteryear. Author of the Junior Genius Guides and a bunch of other stuff. http://ken-jennings.com/books”
Chances are the name Ken Jennings won’t ring any bells for you unless you really are a Jeopardy! super fan. Jennings first came to fame for holding the record for having the longest winning streak on the wildly popular American game show. Since then, Jennings has been making a new name for himself as the author of The Junior Genius Guides, Because I Said So!: The Truth Behind the Myths, Tales, & Warnings Every Generation Passes Down to Its Kids, Maphead: Charting the Wide, Weird World of Geography Wonks, Brainiac, and Ken Jenning’s Trivia Almanac: 8,888 Questions in 365 Days.
Most of Jennings’ tweets are funny and some just make you take a little pause. For instance, his latest Halloween tweet reads: “Trick-or-treating, I saw a very pregnant woman wearing a t-shirt with a fetus skeleton on the abdomen. Can’t stop thinking about this”. Another one: “Danny Elfman sits at home waiting for his kids’ school to call. ‘I’m SURE they want me to help with the Halloween concert. They just forgot’”. For political minded folks: “You all think Trump is funny now but just wait for the wave of white-trash kids named ‘Donald’ entering kindergarten around 2020”. Don’t worry, Jennings also has Canada covered: “Canada talks a lot of trash about when they invaded us in 1812, but they didn’t even notice when we stole the apostrophe from Tim Horton’s”, and “Trying to get some work done but I just keep daydreaming about Justin Trudeau’s eyelashes”.
About: “I write for College Humor but also, like, for myself, ya know?”
Siobhan Thompson is not only one of the funniest cast members of College Humor, she also writes and hosts other internet comedies including Anglophenia and Forgotten Assholes of History. Some of her other credits include Maude Night, IGN.com, The Charlies, and Mid-Grade Comics. The point is, she’s hilarious and her tweets are plentiful, making her account the perfect ‘go-to’ when you need a good laugh.
Her pinned tweet reads “Girl, you so beautiful you don’t need no rights” which really goes perfectly with her current cover photo: “This was entertaining up until the feminist garbage” – which is a comment some lameoid left on her “The Woman Who Helped Kill Lincoln” video. Thompson raises this interesting fact: “Ever notice how me and Beyonce are never in the same room at the same time? Seems suspicious”. She muses that it’s “Amazing how well Carly Fiorina is polling in the ‘women who hate other women’ demographic”. There’s a little shoptalk thrown in here and there: “What is the worst sketch character? No, you’re wrong, it’s the girlfriend of the straight man”. My favourite of her recent tweets has to be this one: “Leaving my roommate a present before I move tomorrow spoiler alert it’s dirty dishes lol I’m the worst”.
About: “Running around leaving scars, collecting my jar of hearts and tearing love apart… “
Okay, yes, you’re probably thinking this account is going to be ridiculous – and it is…ridiculously funny. If you’re into Harry Potter even a little bit, you’re going to love this page. Whoever runs it is hilarious and has a penchant for silly Potteresque jokes which are sure to make you chuckle. For Halloween this year, we got “Troll! In the dungeons!” and it was retweeted 1,700 times within 24 hours. Another popular recent tweet: “What does a #SuperBloodMoon mean for werewolves? #Moony”.
On September 1st good ol ‘Voldy gave us an unusally nice “Welcome #BacktoHogwarts” but don’t worry, right afterwards we got a snarkier reminder: “James Sirius Potter left for Hogwarts today. #YouAreOld #GryffindorWithASlytherinEdge”. If you’re looking for self-help or inspirational messages, well, you’ll find those here too: “#APositiveMessage: At least you’re not Dolores Umbridge”. A rather chilling tweet just before the 4th of July read “Those aren’t fireworks, America. #DarkMark”. Voldy leaves a message to all of the kids out there, “Your parents hid your Hogwarts letter because they were jealous” (retweeted 3,200 times already). Perhaps, though, this tweet best sums up The Dark Lord’s Twitter presence: “Why were the Weasleys even afraid of dementors? Gingers don’t have souls”.