by Brandy D Anderson
Weird Twitter is a place where punctuation often goes out the door, but these four bizarre accounts are so full of hilarity, hijinks, and things that make you go “hmm” that even most English nerds won’t get too bothered by the frequent lack of proper grammar. PS: I won’t bother posting [sic]…
About: “A Back To Basics LifeStyle Brand – god is a Marine and every Marine is a god – Paws Off My Boots Boy – TruthHuman”
If you like offbeat, hilarious, and just plain odd tweets then you will fall in love with this account. One recent tweet reads “i refuse to consume any product that has been created by, or is claimed to have been created by, the (((Keebler Elves)))”. Another reads, “indoor plumbing is a ludicrous fantasy”. Retweets and hearts are obviously monitored by the admin, as seen by this recent nod, “awfully bold of you to retweet my ‘bad year’ tweet on a year that has been extremely good thus far” and “going to start deleting posts, due to harassment. As in, i want more of it. bring it on egg heads”.
wint also makes some political references, but always with a quirky twist, like this post about the historic “Brexit” EU referendum: “History will show that Brexit was the correct choice, for the future of Great Britain. I also do not believe in sex.’ – The_Brexit_Asexual”. The tongue-in-cheek posts are some of the best ones, like “please cut all art programs so we can instead focus on teaching our children the importance of being Respectful towards influencers”. There are odd little tidbits like this one, “worst food of 2016: Bread. Where to begin. Bread is a piece of shit and it’s no wonder it’s commonly associated with the worst drink, ‘Water’”. Finally, you can’t help but be touched by wint’s modesty: “folks… reply to this message with your Finest tweet, and i just might drop it a Like… my way of ‘Giving back’ to the community… Thank u”. wint updates constantly.
your friend michael is one crazy, funny dude, and I kinda wish he was really my friend. Some examples of his corky humour include: “scientists have discovered a pear shaped nucleus. yeah way to go calling it that, guys. now it has body image issues (pause for applause), “steph curry. this guy love indian food or what. gonna start calling myself mike pizza cmon”, “don’t know what the brexit thing is but I’ll be GOD damned if I don’t make at least three posts about it” followed by, “I know everything seems pretty dire lately, gang but all is not lost! You still got your old pal db consistently banging out great posts”.
There’s a hilarious little photo album shared, bearing three extremely blurry pictures, with the comment: “Drank a lot last night but I still got some great pics of the show”. A tweet from a few weeks ago reads, “Pretending to write for a tv show for several years is mega weird but it also gives a bad name to guys like me, head writer for Vinyl on HBO”. My favourite of his tweets is a screencap he made for a support ticket he sent to Chase Bank: it begins with a selfie he took of himself languidly laying on the floor next to an American bill, then he asks the Chase Bank employee, “You guys get that pic?”, the employee responds, “Hi there, we did receive the picture. Is there anything we can do to assist? TZ”, to which he responds, “I don’t think so. Just thought you guys might like to see it since you deal with money a lot”. Thankfully, your friend michael is a prolific tweeter.
About: “I love basketball even tho I’m not the real Michael Jordan (parody)”
For a split second, I’ll admit, I thought this may be the real Michael Jordon’s account and I was pretty excited to think of the basketball legend tweeting this hilarious nonsense. But, alas, it’s not actually him, of course, but this account is still awesome. The silliest stuff is shared, like this recent tweet where Mike waxes nostalgic about what may have been: “I never got to attain to my dream of being a pizza delivery man. But there is still time for that”, and there’s also this one, “Clyde Drexler just left me a phone message. He said 420 Blazers. I hate him with my very soul.”
Mike talks about fashion: “a jeans pocket can hold a small sandwich, it can ruin your whole world with false hope”. Inspirational quotes can also be found, “’Winners cockle doo like a big rooster, they don’t gobble like a turkey’ – MJ”. There’s something for the lovers out there, “When I think about my crush, I do laps around the house. I run around, like a mad man.” More parody humour includes, “One time I bounced a ball so high it never came down, and the league fined me a billion dollars” and “Well imagine my surprise when I showed up to a basket weaving class today. Just a bunch of old women”. More examples, “i just love to saunter, and also to sashay”, “Black friday should be called good friday, because of the good deals. just my opinion”, “I drank a energy drink and I spent all day on my roof trying to understand colors”, and “I will only let a child puff on a cigar of mine if he looks cool enough”. Mike tweets in phases, where there will be a load of new tweets for a few weeks, then nothing for a month or two, before a flurry are posted again.
Well, the first thing you see is the cover photo of a large, orange cartoon butt…so there’s that. The pinned tweet reads, “dmx, jay-z, and kanye opening a new breakfast restaurant called X Hova Yeezy”. Cool Pond’s pick for “underrated Star Wars characters: – Alex Peoria – the Ambassador from Star Wars 2: Extreme Galaxy – Dave 5 – Flamin’ Yahn – The Guac – Mozzstyx”. There are also polls, like this one which starts, “excited to announce popular boy names for may 2016. what’s your fav?” and the results are as follows, “15% Bulgus Pepperview/ 44% Xfinity Chad/ 23% Lorpid Bagtop/ 18% Toany Peatar”.
There are wonderful holiday greetings you can use for next year’s Christmas cards: “wishing everyone a very aggressive, intense Christmas filled with abrasive dissonance and shrill, oppressive cacophony”. You’ll find the occasional quirky retweet like this story from Gawker, “Heckler at Ted Cruz rally shouts ‘Ted Cruz looks so weird,”’pretends to barf”. One odd but interesting theme on this account is numbers, here are a few examples (of many): “can’t sleep… Thinking up a bunch of numbers. here’s a few I’ve come up with so far: 766 0.0921| 18, 000, 040| 26.2| 399| all i got for now”, “Top 10 numbers for 2016 predictions: 990| 828.002| 17,000| 62| 4 (forecasts show 4 having monster year)| -1.5| 0.0882|12,566|72.3|3,009”. More tweets include: “Just made this up, just now. It’s mine and it was my idea so please credit me… May the fourth be with you” and “that feeling when u wake up and your eyes r filled w/ sand and other various ocean stuff such as eye shells, eye fish, eye boats… Et al…”. Cool Pond tweets in spurts, with no apparent pattern, but there are tons of tweets there to read there even if you visit during a quiet period.